What's Your "Mom Mission Statement"?

A Mission statement is an at-a-glance identifier that sets one organization apart from another ­- a clear and intentional “why-we-exist” and “who we are”  proclamation. Every up-to-the-minute business, organization, church website, health club, even coffee shops seem have one, why shouldn’t families and particularly Moms? If any entity should have a focus that defines their purpose and goals, Motherhood is definitely one.

I think Purposeful, Prepared and Prayerful are perfect words to include in a Mission Statement for moms who are intent on doing this parenting thing right. After all, we have one shot at it; no dress rehearsals, no do-over’s for the most important “job” you’ll ever have. Our role as mothers has direct impact on who our children will become. It shapes their outlook on life, confidence, work ethic, love for learning, emotional well-being and character just to name a few. The enormity of it can be overwhelming.

“P” #1- Purposeful was addressed in an earlier blog entry. The second “P” is, be Prepared.  “Pre” as in ahead of time – before you get to the next stage. Nothing catches you off-guard as much being caught “off-guard”. Unprepared. Not ready. Didn’t see it coming. We’ve all been there. Something hit us from behind when we least expected it and our off-the-cuff response was, well, regretable.

A prepared Mom will be one-step ahead of her child’s current stage of life and development. Although you want to savor and enjoy every moment of today, a child’s world is all about “tomorrow”.  Whether four or fourteen, your daughter has one thing on her mind: I can’t wait until I can . . .

stay up late,

have a sleep-over,

get a cell phone,

have my own money,

shave my legs,

wear make-up,

DRIVE,

date . . . the list is endless.

You can be sure of this: whether she’s a little girl, emotional adolescent or button-pushing teenager, your daughter is counting the days “until”. While we Moms are trying with all our might to make the clock stop, our girls are waiting for time to fly. Count on it, whatever stage you’re in today, she’s already pushing for tomorrow. Being Purposeful and Prepared will help make your parenting journey more enjoyable and rewarding than you ever imagined and it will help you feel more in control. Here’s what I mean:

If your daughter’s a toddler, study up on what you should expect next as far as emotional and physical development of pre-schoolers. Initiate new age-appropriate activities that you can do together remembering that you are her first teacher J

If  you’re in the early school-age years with your daughter, be alert and pro-active in knowing what she is being exposed to and by whom. Ask questions about her day, what was her favorite part of the day, who her best friends are, what does she love most about school? What doesn't she like about school?

Be emotionally prepared for others to have influence in her life and for her to seem to love her teacher more than you some days. Her world has just gotten a whole lot bigger than what you can control. When she comes with questions about how babies are made or when will she have boobies, be the one she can go to and know her questions will be invited and answered to her satisfaction at the time. You don’t need to go into a 30-minute “talk”about woman-hood and the facts of life. Just give her enough TRUTH to satisfy the moment.  Chances are she just needs a short answer and can’t wait to go play.

Adolescence? Get ready to fasten your seatbelts. Two words to best describe this wonderfully crazy time of life might be emotions and hormones. Don’t let seemingly overnight personality changes and mood swings throw you into a panic. Be prepared for the inevitable so you can react appropriately. Know what’s coming and decide in advance how you will choose your battles.

Establish and communicate family rules and timelines that are non-negotiable well before you get here (i.e. time spent on the computer, where computers will be housed in your home in full view of parental eyes, what movies may or may not be viewed whether at home or at a friend’s house, when she will be allowed to shave her legs, experiment with make-up, fashion perimeters, at what age she will be allowed to date and will that be group dating or single dating? Your battles will be fewer and shorter if the family rules and expectations are clearly stated early into the adolescent years.

Teens. I love teenage girls! Their energy and laughter is intoxicating. So is their heart-ache and pain. I could write pages and pages about raising a teenage daughter in today's world, but this is a blog and not a book. I will say that there are some things that I have learned from my years working with teen girls (and raising one) that your daughter desperately needs from you, her Mom, that she'll never tell you.

One is, she wants you to listen to her when she talks to you. I mean really listen - with your eyes as well as your ears. She needs to see that she has your full attention for those few minutes when she's venting about her day, her hair, her BFF who sat with someone else at lunch that day, the teacher who's unfair, etc. etc.

If you're a mom of a teen girl, you've probably already heard the inevitable words "You never listen to me!" What she's saying is, she wants your full attention when she decides to talk whether you're in the middle of you cooking dinner, making your grocery list or at 11 pm when she's full of energy and you're dog-tired. Trust me, if your daughter feels like she can't talk to you, she'll find someone else to talk to and the internet is full of ready listeners looking for young women to "befriend". Your daughter needs someone in her life who will be there for her no matter what. Who will defend her, encourage her, wipe her tears and breathe life into her. That is a privleged position to have; it can and should be yours, her Mom :)

For more on keeping your mother/daughter relationship strong and healthy during the turbulent teen years, check out my books, What Your Daughter Isn’t Telling You, and Here For You, Creating a Mother/Daughter Bond That Lasts a Lifetime (Bethany House Publishers).

Mentally planning and preparing for what’s coming next will give you more confidence and sanity than if you’re caught by surprise. You’ll get so much satisfaction when you hear your daughter talk about the fights and feuds her friends are having with their moms over things you don’t seem to have issues with simply because you were pro-active and ready for anything and everything that each age might bring with it.

So be Purposeful, Prepared and still to come, Prayerful. You're both going to need it :0

Until next time,

K

Don't Mess With Mama's Chickens!

Today is Mother's Day. What kind of mother's blog would this be if I didn't pause to acknowledge the magnitude of the day? Motherhood is an experience that defies any words the human race has language to describe.

Something indescribable and unseen happens in a mother's heart (and brain, I might add) the moment she lays eyes on her child, whether by natural birth or adoption. There really aren't words for it, but if you're a mother you know exactly what I'm talking about. You are suddenly overwhelmed with a love like no other. Totally different than romantic love, this emotion transcends any other known to woman.

It both energizes you and makes you crazy at times. The love for this little life placed in yours will bring out the best in you and the worst in you. It will make a totally sane, educated and reasonable adult woman grow fangs and claws in a split second. God help anyone, whether a playmate, teacher, coach or total stranger who might tease, make fun of or falsely accuse your pride and joy. In short, you DON'T mess with Mama's chickens.

I clearly remember one incident (there were more) when my fangs suddenly appeared in defense of our son, Matthew. We've laughed over this many times since but at the time wild horses couldn't hold this Mama back. One thing was very clear in our family - you mess with my chickens, you mess with me.

Now mind you, I am normally a reasonably kind and caring person. I'm a church-going, Bible-reading Christian woman. I don't shake my fist at annoying drivers or roll my eyes at the person in front of me who can't figure out how to use the self-checkout thingy at the grocery store. (Well, okay, I may have done that once or twice). I wave at my neighbors and pay my taxes. But something inside me snapped the day I got a phone call from Mrs. McDonald - Matthew's 5th grade teacher.

I won't pretend my kids were perfect - they were normal kids. BUT, we had two family rules that were known and understood by our precious off-spring:

#1. We will trust you until you give us reason not to and

#2. If you ever lie to us we will find out and there will be consequences

So far on our parenting journey these simple but clear statements had served us well. We had two great kids who never gave us trouble. Then the phone call.

"I need you to come in and meet with me regarding something your son has done." Short, curt and blood-curdling words to any mama's ears.

"Your son".

Those words shot adrenaline through my veins and the fangs started their outward journey. MY SON has a name. His name is Matthew, thank you very much. And he's not just any boy, he's MY boy and he's a good boy - a smart boy. Don't use that tone with me unless you're ready for battle.

My heart is beating faster even now as I write this 19 years later!

What IS this emotion that is still so strong! I don't know that there's a name for it but if you've been a mother for more than about 10 minutes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. It's the 'How dare anyone question the integrity or character of my child' emotion that defies reason.

Long story short, the appointment was made. Jeff and I (and Matthew) had our meeting with Mrs. McDonald (I changed her name because I am a kind and considerate woman - normally). She was
"accusing" MY son of damaging school property by scratching his initials MG on a blue plastic chair and she wanted us to pay for a new chair.

Now, being wise and fair parents (we didn't want to look like idiots in case our son DID do something so stupid) we of course asked Matthew before we met his teacher if he was responsible for the infraction.
Knowing that he knew about family rules 1 and 2, we trusted him to tell us the truth. His answer was classic - "Why would I be so dumb as to carve my own initials in that chair? If it had been me I would have put somebody else's." I told you he was a smart kid :)

Mrs. "McDonald" didn't know what she was in for when the three of us walked in her classroom that fateful day. She showed us the "damaged" chair. Yes, there were clearly two initials etched into the plastic and yes, they were MG.

Being the reasonable adult woman that I am, I simply asked Mrs. McDonald if there were any other children in her classroom with the initials MG. Yes, she replied there were, but that was not the point. She KNEW that our "MG" was the culprit.

Really.

I then asked her in my calm and reasonable mom-tone, how did she know it was our son - did she actually see our "MG" inflict the said damage on the blue chair? "Well, no. I didn't see it but another student told me it was him." AH HA! She didn't actually have proof that it was our Matthew who had done this horrible thing. She was going by what another 5th grader said. Another 5th grader with the initials "MG" I suspected.

With no proof that it was our MG who did the vandalizing, plus the fact that we turned to our son in front of his teacher and point blank asked him, "Did you do this?" (the answer of course was the "I'm not that stupid to use my own initials . . ."), the case was closed as far as we were concerned. We were not paying for a new blue plastic chair.

As we left a speechless and somewhat embarrassed Mrs. McDonald's classroom that day my heart was full of satisfaction. I had successfully defended my child (Jeff didn't have to say a word) and his good name and innocence were restored. In addition, Matthew Gowler knew from that day forward that someone would always be on his side (as long as rules 1 and 2 were abided by). Today he's a parent who will hopefully incorporate 1 and 2 in his own family because no doubt a day will come when the phone will ring. God help the one who messes with GRANDMA's chickens!

There are morals to this story:

#1. You mess with Mama's chickens and you mess with MAMA and Mama has fangs and claws that can appear in split seconds. All Mamas have them and I believe they are a gift (or possibly a curse) from God.

#2. Every child should have the confidence that there is someone in his/her life who will come to their defense when they need it - who will believe in them and go to battle for them when they are accused or treated unfairly - someone equipped and empowered for just the job - Mom. Fangs and all.

So Happy Mother's Day Moms. Enjoy the journey and keep those fangs sharpened!

Until next time . . .

K

Three Most Important P's . . . Part 1

Whether your daughter is two years old or twelve, you've no doubt learned by now that you have a job much more complicated than you ever dreamed. It's as though you barely start getting a decent night's sleep when your precious bundle of sweetness starts displaying a temperament that pushes your buttons like no other.

This darling little girl who stole your heart the minute you first laid eyes on her is suddenly bringing out the worst in you with defiant "don't WANT to's" and exasperating, not to mention embarrassing public temper tantrums. She can quickly run right over your sanity.

If you've been there and are sure you're the world's worst mother, let me assure you you're not alone.

No matter what stage you're in, it's never too late or too early to implement what I call the all- important 3-P's of motherhood. You need to be Purposeful, Prepared and Prayerful.

Purposeful meaning the way you raise your daughter is well thought out, intentional, on-purpose. You take your role as her mother seriously and understand that you are the most influential person in her early developing years.

You are her first teacher - the one who establishes behavioral expectations, applauds her accomplishments and corrects her wrong behavior. Not only do you have the joy of meeting her physical needs, comforting her when she cries and cheering her on when she succeeds, you also have the responsibility to protect her and prepare her for life. Finding the right balance of delighting in her and disciplining her is often exhausting and overwhelming.

If you have more than one child, you probably realized very early on that no two are alike. You think you just got this motherhood thing figured out when along comes the next one who is nothing like your first! Nothing that worked before is working now. You're frustrated and frazzled. Take a deep breath and begin to be purposeful again with a new child who has a different personality and different needs than the other(s).

It will help to understand that God created every child a one-of-a-kind, unique creation with specific personalities, interests and temperaments. One may be compliant the other defiant. Methods of teaching and discipline that worked for one may not work for the other. That's okay! One of the best gifts you can give your daughter is permission to be who God created her to be, not who you think she should be. That will require some work on your part. You'll need to:

Study her. Listen to her.

Figure out what makes her tick.

What makes her laugh? When is she most talkative? What is she good at?

If you take interest in what interests her and intentionally help her discover her talents and abilities (keeping in mind that they may be nothing like yours or her siblings), you will be giving your mother/daughter relationship an invaluable foundation.

So whether your daughter is two, twelve or sixteen years old, take a few minutes and evaluate yourself on how intentional and purposeful you are in preparing your daughter to be a confident, considerate, and capable young woman.

I promise you this, the day she walks out of your home and into the world is coming faster than you think. Be purposeful in preparing her for that day.

More to come . . .

K

Who, What and Why

If you're the mother of a little girl, adolescent or full-blown teenage daughter, this blog is for you.

This will be a place where the joys, challenges, fears and frustrations that come with being a mom of a daughter in a culture done crazy will be addressed. My passion is to encourage and equip moms who are on the emotional and often overwhelming journey of taking their little girls from childhood to adolescence and the turbulent teen years to come out fairly unscathed and still loving each other in the end :)

My experience comes from being immersed in the world of teenage girls and their moms in my thirteen years with Focus on the Family's Brio Magazine as well as co-founding and speaking at Closer: Moms and Daughters conferences. I've counseled and encouraged hundreds of moms and teen girls as they work to maintain a strong and healthy relationship through the trials and stresses of the teenage years.

I've co-authored two books on Mother/Daughter Relationships, Here For You, Forming a Mother/Daughter Bond That Lasts a Lifetime, and What Your Daughter Isn't Telling You (Bethany House Publishers). I was also a contributing author to Bloom, A Girl's Guide To Growing Up (published  by Focus on the Family). You can also catch my Mother's Day podcast on what moms want from their adult children at www.boundless.org to be posted on May 5th.

I've traveled the world - virtually every continent, including Antarctica - but my biggest accomplishment has been having successfully raised a once emotional and hormonal adolescent girl who is now a lovely and confident young woman who still loves her mother. What I've learned from personal experience as a  mom who's been there and years of ministry to real moms and daughters around the nation will hopefully encourage and equip you on your journey with your daughter.

The good news is . . . the emotional and hormonal adolescent and teenage years are TEMPORARY! It's one season of your daughter's life and you WILL get through it. Not only can you survive the teen years with your daughters but make them some of the best years of your lives.

So I hope you join me here I share with you what I've learned over the years about the joys and fears of raising a daughter in today's world.

If you're feeling like you're doing it all wrong and might be losing her, I promise you're not alone. The journey will be both sweet and sour but in the end worth every tear and every frantic prayer.

Until next time . . .

K